Why Seagulls?

Why seagulls?
A couple of years ago I was terrified of them. From time to time over my life, in truth I had been since childhood, only at ease with them on holidays with my mum or other safe people. A couple of years ago the fear spiked, to the point where as a middle aged adult I was running, crying, shaking, terrified from them and hiding under trees until they went to roost elsewhere. A shivering, tearful, nauseous mess. It was after that that some other fear triggering from every day situations that I sought help.

I'd had counselling over my life, at crisis points and in line with medical advice to tie in with medication. Previous experiences had not been successful for a variety of reasons. You cannot heal in the same environment that is causing you harm, survival techniques labelled as maladaptive behaviours does nothing to alleviate the fear or the darkness, judgements made (by myself as well as the professionals), not asking the "Why" and expecting mind based therapies to work for a traumatised soul who doesn't truly recognise their disconnect or pain as they are still living it.

However, this time it was different. I'd never heard the phrase trauma informed or person centred before. Maybe that was a good thing. I was able to talk, at my own pace, to voice rambling thoughts and questions, to ask and not be told instructions, no judgement made or felt, space to explore and to reset. As time passed, I returned to the self I thought I had lost forever. To simply be heard and not dismissed, to share energy as well as words, to be allowed to be what ever and however I was, to find a way, to access parts of my processes that had been shut off for a long time, to feel safer little by little was truly a life changing experience and blessing. One Ill always be grateful for as I move on through my life and my ongoing journey.

Seagulls and I aren't quite besties yet, but we are on speaking terms. They no longer throw me into a spin of fear. The loop is spotted before it begins. I avoid their path on days that require that choice, but most days I smile when I hear their call.

Understanding where that fear came from and learning how to dilute my reaction to a response has freed me, broken a chain I had carried for a long time without knowing why.

Freedom is the point of my using seagulls in my writing, designs and more. Memories of the reasons behind the fear, acknowledge of the silenced screams and the pain I tried to outrun.

Reconnection and different ways to be. Free.
Also in honour of those who couldn't fly free, who are still trapped in various ways, who had their freedom stolen.
In honour of safer happier memories when the birds didn't bother me so much, and in gratitude for those souls who walked beside me as I faced those ghosts.
A reminder of hope